If Wishes Were Horses, Beggars Would Ride

I wish I had the inspiration rather than just the slight motivation to write something more than just about myself. I wish I had the inspiration to write a story. A play. An anti-government manifesto. Something.

I wish I knew how to not feel so alone when I'm by myself.

I wish my moods were not so fucking fragile.

I don't really know what to say except that I'm miserable a lot of the time. It has nothing to do with where I am, who's with me, or what I'm doing here. I love New York City. I love my school. I love the opportunities and my life and my friends, although I often feel like a third wheel. Second best.

I want my best friend. I wish Danielle were here.

There are so many times where I feel like if I'm left alone I might go crazy or fall apart. It makes me want to cry or run away or run out into the streets and find something, somebody, somewhere, someone to help me. I want to be a part of someone. To be needed. To need and be needed back in equal amounts. For every reaction there is an equal and opposite reaction, right? Then how come when I need people, they never need me back the same way or the same amount?

Fuck you, Newton.

I'm a whirlwind of emotions right now. I'm trying not to put a stopper in them or turn them into something they're not. I'm hurt. I'm delicate. My heart is beating hard and my throat is tight and I wish my parents were here so I could go wake them up and be held.

I miss being held. I miss love. I miss being needed and loved and not feeling like I have to walk around on eggshells with everyone because what if they don't like me? What if I upset them?

I want to be able to be irrational and unreasonable with someone who won't turn around and complain about it to someone else or hold it against me or judge me for it. Who'll let me be irrational or unreasonable and know that it's just what I need and just part of who I am and love me for it. I would do the same for them. I always do the same for those I truly love.

I know part of the reason I feel alone is just my demeanor. My outlook. But I'm awkward and I'm different and I don't open up to people which is maybe why I judge them so much. I judge them before they can judge me.

Because I know that if I open up to them, there's a large probability that they'll betray me or they won't be able to handle me or open up to me in return. Not truly open up.

God, this is whiny.

I feel like crying, but all I have is a knot in my throat and nothing's coming of it.

I need friends outside of school. I need friends outside of theatre.

I need someone to contact me and ask me what I'm doing. I want someone to invite me somewhere that isn't a party where everyone's invited. I want someone to invite me first and foremost, not because I live with someone else or because we come as a group. I want someone to initiate with me.

I feel alone. I feel like there's something wrong with me that makes people not want me to be the best or the first for them.

I want to write. What can I write?

I'll never be done walking on eggshells and it makes me sick and it makes me exhausted. What's the point of a life lived on eggshells?